That show, "Talking to Americans" where we get grilled about whether or not Canadians live in igloos to ascertain our stupidity? It's all a clever ruse to hide the fact that they do and thus filter out the ignorant among us. Upon stating that yes, they do live in igloos, I was whisked away to Harper's igloo where the TRUE tests began.

I was shown all around the place but urged REPEATEDLY not to lick the walls. This is the test of restraint: a restrained man will obey the warning and not lick the walls. I performed well until I saw...

what appeared to be a giant tootsie roll stuck to the wall. I remembered Harper's warning, but alas, my chocolate cravings got the better of me and I licked the thing. Too late I realized I'd failed the second test, that of...erm...intelligence and/or eyesight. The tootsie roll was in fact ice painted brown and my tongue was stuck fast.

Harper sighed and went to get the blowtorch, while I was left to think about it. However, being the Rugged individual (with a capital R as in Rush Limbaugh) that I am, my innate Yanksticts took over and I seized an icicle and cut out my tongue! Success, I was free of the ice!

Upon Harper's return I'd meant to tell him that it was ok and that I'd freed myself. He took one look at me and declared that I'd failed the third test: accepting help instead of taking the initiative like a fucking moron. Then he said "Americans really ARE stupid." I meant to reply with a scathing retort about his mother, but didn't realize until that moment that I couldn't speak.

Harper was sympathetic, and provided me with pen and paper so I could write at leisure my opinions on him, his habits, his relatives, his sexual orientation and his odors. He then took it and filed it away with the 8000 other letters he'd received from Americans under similar dire circumstances.

That's how I got on Canadian television, and that's why I cannot speak about this experience and am instead writing about it.